I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
