this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
