Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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