Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
