Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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