Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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