Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
