Swine flu. Run for my life!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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