I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
