Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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