mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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