Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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