girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
