Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
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Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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