I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
