it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
