Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
