Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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