dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
