Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize