I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
did i walk over a car last night?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need to align my fucking chakras
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
