Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
