Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
