I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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