oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
