I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
