oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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