whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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