im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
