i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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