He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Four minutes until I can fart!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
