she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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