I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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