awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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