im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
