I wish my penis had an off switch
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
