I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
