Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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