I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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