Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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