I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
