So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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