Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
