Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
