Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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