he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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