I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Randomize
