did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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