my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
