a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
