Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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