Apparently you make a good broom.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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