strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
