can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
