Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
