She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
