i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
