I wannas sexs uuuuu
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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