Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
