More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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