please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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