i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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